53 days

I have started to write this post several times since I was admitted to the hospital. But every time I have stopped, unable to put what I felt in my heart into words. I’m a rambler. But I’ve decided to go ahead and write it, even if I cannot be concise or eloquent.

We are selfish by nature, all of us, often finding ourselves in circumstances and asking, “how does this affect me?”. We are quick to judge a circumstance as good or bad. I might feel a situation is “bad” for “me”. But how do I know it is not “good” for God’s kingdom?

While in the hospital, several people have said to me “this is terrible that you have to be in the hospital”. I appreciate the sympathy they are extending, but I can’t help but wonder “but is it terrible?”. Terrible is such a relative term. Terrible compared to a normal healthy pregnancy, sure. Terrible compared to having had this baby at 26 weeks and losing him, no. I don’t see the picture from God's view so I can't truly judge what is good and what is bad in my life.

I prayed, from day one, for a healthy baby. At my first ultrasound we found out there were two babies, but only one heartbeat. That could be viewed as a terrible disappointment. The resulting bleeding in my pregnancy due to the “vanishing twin” that probably caused my water to break at 26 weeks and me to be hospitalized for months could also be viewed as “terrible”. But it’s possible that this course of events was necessary for God to answer my prayer for a healthy child.

It’s also possible that because I live in an imperfect world, I face imperfect circumstances such as the one I find myself in. Scripture tells us that “In all things, God works for the good of those who love him” (Rom 8:28). So in this circumstance I find myself in, God is trying to bless me by keeping me pregnant this long and protecting this little baby growing inside me.

It’s also possible that he is using me for a greater purpose. If I have a true love for God and desire to do his will, I sacrifice my own will and allow God to use me and my life for his purpose. A perfect example of this is Christ in the garden. Christ did not want to go to the cross. He said “my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Mark 14:34). He was so sad about what was going to happen it was killing him! He did not want to go to that cross. He begged God “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me.” (vs. 35). He recognized God’s power and his ability to control the situation, to change his fate. But then… he said “yet not what I will, but what you will.” (vs. 35). He sacrifices his own comfort, happiness, and desires in that one statement. He knows God is powerful enough to move mountains, take away his pain, heal a child of cancer, reconcile a family, bring financial security, or bring home a prodigal son. But he recognizes that he has faith and trust in God to see a much bigger picture, a much bigger purpose, and he concedes. How many times have we read this scripture?! His example is there for us. We need to concede without understanding. We need to trust and have faith, despite all of the emotions we feel, that God is God and that is enough. Accepting that can bless us with a peace that PASSES understanding. It doesn’t FOLLOW understanding, it doesn’t REQUIRE understanding. It PASSES understanding. I cannot say “God if you make yourself known to me, and I will accept you.”, instead he says “accept me, and I will make myself known to you”. I do believe Christ wants us to change our perspective so instead of saying “why is this happening to me”, we can say “how is God using me?”. Then, with self-less hearts we can respond to life with zeal and readiness to be used for God’s good purpose, even if it means putting our own comforts and wishes aside.

A lot of people have told me they are surprised that I seem to be in such good spirits given my situation. It catches me off guard a little because I feel I have so many things to be thankful for through the storm. From one view it may seem terrible to be on bed rest in the hospital for so long, 1000 miles away from my husband and young children, to be stuck in the same room day in and day out, to have to eat hospital food, to deal with the unexpected costs, to miss an entire season of 2012 in a blink. But on the other hand, I am so thankful for medical care that can allow me to carry my baby longer-giving him more time, for the ability of this hospital to give this baby the care he’ll need when he arrives, for having food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in, for having a loving dependable husband and parents helping with the kids, for having an incredible church family supporting us through this. We are told to “rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks IN ALL circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (I Thes 5:16-18). I don’t have to be thankful “FOR all circumstances” but I do need to be thankful “IN all circumstances”. I may be frustrated, stressed, confused, or hurt by circumstances I find myself in during my life. Thank God that my true joy is not dependent on those circumstances! My joy comes from God’s promises. If my joy is found in my circumstances, I will be like Solomon, on a hunt for true happiness, only to be repeatedly disappointed by the short lived thrills of this world. But if my joy is in God’s promise – my salvation – my joy can never be taken from me. That tomb is empty, despite loss, despite financial toil, despite sickness, despite disappointments, frustration and stress. God gave me emotion, and it’s okay to feel. But my trust and faith in God – that he will use me for his purpose –brings me security and peace, despite the emotion I feel. This may feel so counter to what comes naturally. But we are told “do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to attest what God’s will is, his perfect and pleasing will.” (Romans 12:2).

Storms come. They. Will. Come. The surprise will only be in how big they are, how hard they hit, and how we handle them. We live with the repercussions of a fallen world; we are directly affected by the choices other people make. Sometimes storms happen as a result of having left the garden. Other times I believe God choses to use us and alters the course of our life because we have asked the Holy Spirit to guide us to where we can be used – for his specific purpose. When I committed my life to Christ at 10 years old, I wasn’t committing to be a perfect person. I was simply recognizing God's sovereignty and committing to love him with all of my heart, my soul, and my mind. I promised to trust him with every step of my life so that I could know him and make him known. That is a sacrificial offering of myself, my comfort, my will, and my control.

I have prayed from day one for God to give us a healthy child. I have prayed that I can raise this child to know him so that he can fulfill God’s specific purpose in his life. The day I was admitted to the hospital I told a dear friend “God is going to give us the child we are supposed to have”. He may not be what I imagined “perfect”, but whatever his condition is, he will be “perfect” because he will be the child that God is going to use to fulfill a specific purpose. I said “even if God takes this child from us, God will still be glorified through him and through this circumstance. Nothing changes the fact that the tomb was empty”. When I commit myself, or my child, to God’s specific purpose, I may never fully understand what that purpose is. But yet I have to relinquish control, hand over the reins and let God be God, holding on to obedience, trust, and hope through the storm. That tomb was empty. Nothing changes that. That, my friends, brings calm through the storm.

I’ll end my ramblings with these lyrics (I have always felt songs can convey what words alone cannot). This is a song that I sing to myself as I fall asleep at night or as I face a storm. When I need to empty myself of “me” and fill myself with him. The second song is one of my favorites, heart of worship. This is another song that inspires me to remember it’s not about me; it’s about Jesus and the empty tomb.

FATHER GOD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ufr17007ZOg

“Father God, just for today, help me walk the narrow way. Help me stand when I might fall. Give me your strength to hear your call. Here I am, just for today. Live in me. Have your way. For my desire when this race is run, is just to hear You say, ‘Well done!’ May my steps be worship, may my thoughts be praise, may my words bring honor to your name.

HEART OF WORSHIP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-Zp586pvZg

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than just a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

Its all about you
Jesus